Give the Ballerina a Drink

[Turkeytop]

A very large woman in a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar. She raised her right arm revealing a very hairy armpit as she pointed at all the people in the bar and said, "What man here is going to buy a lady a drink?"

The bar fell silent as everyone tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar a drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and shouted, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured a drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned round, raised her arm again revealing the same hairy armpit and pointing at all the patrons in the bar as she said, "What man here is going to buy a lady another drink?"

The bar again fell silent but the same old drunk at the end of the bar yelled, "Give the ballerina another drink!" and slammed his money down on the counter.

The bartender approached the drunk and said, "Look mate, it's your business if you want to buy that woman a drink but why do you keep call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina"

[Mega Hertz]

A grandfather and grandson went on a fishing trip.

Once out on the boat and fishing, the grandpa reached into the cooler and grabbed a can of beer. The grandson asks "Papa, can I have a beer?" The grandfather asks "Can your dick reach your ass?" Kid says no, grandpa says you can't have a beer.

The grandfather then reaches into a bag and pulls out a cigar and lights it. Again, the kid asks "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Grandpa again asks "Can your dick reach your ass?" Again, the kid says no, and grandpa refuses him a cigar.

Then the child goes into his bag and pulls out a tin full of freshly baked, home made chocolate chip cookies and starts chowing them down.
The grandfather asks "Son, can I have one of those cookies?" The kid asks him "Can your dick reach your ass?" Grandpa yells "YEAH!"

The kid says "Then go fuck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me"

[Honeyman]

A man goes into a bar with a German Shephard and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[Turkeytop]

Blind man goes into a bar with his seeing eye dog on a leash. He pulled on the leash and started twirling the dog around in circles overhead. The bar tender yells "Hey . What are you doing?"

Blind mas says "I'm just looking around."

[Deleted User 15924]

I lent my blind buddy some money.
He said he'd pay me back the next time he sees me.

[TC Talks]

A drunk is sitting on the sidewalk in the town square of a Mexican village. Standing next to him is his bull mastiff.

A kid walks up to him "Mister, do you know what time it is?"

The drunk grabs the Mastiff's balls and proclaims "it's 3:30". Astounded, the kid runs off. About an hour later, the kid returns with a friend, "Mister, do you know what time it is?"

Again, the drunk grabs his dogs balls and proclaims "It's 4:30". Both boys look at each other in disbelief and run off.

About 30 minutes later, the kid arrives with a group of boys. "Hey mister, do you know what time it is?"

Again, a hand reaches under his dogs haunch and grabs the testicles, "it's 5:00"

One of the boys immediately asks "How can you tell time by grabbing that dogs balls?"

The drunk starts laughing, "I can't tell time by his balls. But when I lift them up.... (he demonstrates and then points across the square) see that clock over there?"

[Deleted User 15924]

Have you ever tried blind-folded archery?

You don’t know what you’re missing.

[Mega Hertz]

I never got to see Ray Charles.

And I'm pretty damn sure he never saw me, either.

[Matt]

I've seen something Stevie Wonder never saw: his childhood home in Saginaw.

[TC Talks]

I've seen something Stevie Wonder never saw: his childhood home in Saginaw.

Good one

[Turkeytop]

Strangers on a train.


A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Deleted User 15924]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."