Welcome to Florida

[Turkeytop]

Welcome to Florida. We can explain the state we’re in (we think)


You must be so excited to move away from ice scrapers, seasonal affective disorder and studio apartments only billionaires can afford. Welcome to the friendliest place on earth!

We know moving can be disorienting. So here’s a brochure clarifying a few positions often demonized by the mainstream media. (Not the most profitable mainstream media of all, of course. Fox News gets it right.)


First off: Glad you could join us! You’ll find we have all kinds of people. In fact, we’ve welcomed vast hordes of refugees. (The blond ones with Slavic cheekbones, that is. The brown ones we shipped coatless to a Massachusetts island.)

The most important thing to know: In Florida, we respect life.

We’ll fight for your right to life. From 6 weeks in utero, to age … well, whenever the death penalty gets ya.

Here, respecting life means access. (Not access to medical care — we’re kinda launching an inquisition-style review of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.) Florida respects life … with assault weapons.

In Florida, getting your Freedom Fists on semi-automatic guns is way easier than books. (You’d need a government-issued card for those Pulitzer-winning, mass-murdering words!)

Speaking of library books, Floridian parents have rights. We protect our children from immoral influence. Check out the proof on our jacked-up Ford 450s. It’s super convenient to read our 500-point-font bumper stickers in pre-K car line. First off: “Protect Our Kids From Brainwashing.” Next, the innocence of “Biden Is A Pedo.”

That’s right, we speak easy in the Sunshine State. We protect the First Amendment. We’ve canceled “cancel culture.”

Unless you go against our governor. In which case you will be fired, prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and/or required to turn over your mouse-eared company to the state. (It’s not communist when we do it, we promise).

Not only do we speak easy — we pray easy. Freedom of religion is sorta our thing. We’re free to teach our 4-year-olds about an innocent man beaten, starved and nailed to death on a cross. (Two fellas holding hands, though — too horrific to mention.) We’re also trying to require school prayer. (But those entirely skippable Amazon commercials about girls’ mustaches — please stop shoving your beliefs down our throats.)

Yessiree, we’re definitely bringing prayer back into style. Notice our red, white and blue “God, Guns and Freedom” shirts, which are definitely not visual monstrosities unseen since the abomination of early-aughts True Religion faded jeans. We elevate our look with “dressy” flip-flops, and diamond cross necklaces that’d blind lesser Christians.

So what about Christ’s actual spoken words? “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also …” Nah.

Here: We wear our crosses and stand our grounds. Forget about turning the other cheek. Try honking at us wrong. We shoot to kill!

Anyways, we hope you enjoy living in the last free state in the U.S. of A.!
That is, until you “love thy neighbor as thyself.” If you assist an undocumented immigrant, we will incarcerate you.

Also, who are we kidding? If you’re a teacher, or librarian or any other obvious Marvel Villain, watch out. We’d love to see you dodge the charge of “distributing unsolicited theories that could lead to student indoctrination.” (And no, we’re not going to define that phrase for you. And double no! Don’t even think of it! It’s, again, not communist when we apply murky “1984″-style language to book banning.)

Welcome to Florida, we’re glad you’re here!

(And to all the Libs out there destroying the rest of the nation: Thanks for not moving here and voting. You totally help the world by isolating the far-right into a regional superpower. Definitely don’t want to risk making Florida purple again!)

https://www.tampabay.com/opinion/2023/0 ... nk-column/

[Mega Hertz]

One week from tonight, I will be sitting by a pool in Orlando. So long as I'm left alone there, it's all good.

[Turkeytop]

One week from tonight, I will be sitting by a pool in Orlando. So long as I'm left alone there, it's all good.

Less than two weeks ago I was still in Florida. Now it feels like another lifetime.

[audiophile]

One week from tonight, I will be sitting by a pool in Orlando. So long as I'm left alone there, it's all good.

Dec - Mar might be a better time to go.

[Mega Hertz]

One week from tonight, I will be sitting by a pool in Orlando. So long as I'm left alone there, it's all good.

Dec - Mar might be a better time to go.

We went in December for our honeymoon. This time it's a full family vacation, and since it's the first one since I've been married into the family, I feel I should be there. I really hate taking time off work, though. But it would feel like a slap if I didn't go.

[Mega Hertz]

One week from tonight, I will be sitting by a pool in Orlando. So long as I'm left alone there, it's all good.

Less than two weeks ago I was still in Florida. Now it feels like another lifetime.

Maybe one day I'll run into you down there!

[Turkeytop]

Maybe one day I'll run into you down there!

You'd recognize me right off. Dour, humourless countenance. Scruffy, grey hair and beard, Disheveled appearance.

[Honeyman]

Maybe one day I'll run into you down there!

You'd recognize me right off. Dour, humourless countenance. Scruffy, grey hair and beard, Disheveled appearance.

Oh yeah, that describes 2/3rd of the population.

[MotorCityRadioFreak]

One week from tonight, I will be sitting by a pool in Orlando. So long as I'm left alone there, it's all good.

Less than two weeks ago I was still in Florida. Now it feels like another lifetime.

It was definitely another lifetime for trans kids because they can now be legally kidnapped according to the now passed Senate bill 254.